it's taken me seven days to realize this, but 2016 has to be the year of me not wasting time on anyone who wouldn't want to waste their time on me.
last year was a roller coaster of emotions and discoveries about myself and others. i started the year in a long term relationship that was stable but unhappy, which i ended in april, the day after my twenty-first birthday. as hard as it was, and sometimes still is, i believe it's the best thing i ever did for myself. the ultimate form of self care.
he moved out, my bills increased by a third, and i was now the single doggy parent of two pups. things were hard, and i didn't have a great job. i was working my summer away as a product photographer (which i realized about two months in that i hated), getting drunk and high every other night to cope with the fact that i was truly alone and had to find solace in myself. it was the first time i had to try to be alone with myself, and i wasn't doing a great job.
almost immediately i developed a crush on someone who wasn't and isn't worth my time, and only wants to sleep with me when he's wasted. i learned quickly that this was the case, and not everyone wants to be with you in a genuine and sincere way, especially in your twenties. that summer was full of boys. boys i liked, boys i used to love, boys i only wanted to sleep with. i began to think that love was never real, and that when it came to men, the only advice i should follow was, "just fuck them!"
when i came to the conclusion that i really did have feelings for one of my friends, i ruined it. one stupidly drunken night ended with me falling down the stairs from his best friend's room and the boy i have a crush on driving me home. i confessed my feelings for him, and he insisted that we should continue to be friends, but that he did not feel the same way for me. i was mortified, and convinced that before that night, he was feeling something toward me, but i had put a stop to it with my idiotic actions.
i have made and maintained so many friendships over the last almost nine months, it's astonishing. i have a whole new core group of friends, but i question how much they truly care for me. i know that a few of them will be with me for life, but i am left wondering if the others are the kinds of people i should be spending my time with. sure, they're great drinking partners, and amazing young artists, but does that mean anything, really?
last week i was over the moon because i was under the impression that the boy i have liked for so long was starting to regain feelings for me (if he ever had them before) and i couldn't believe it. i was determined to take it slow, but was struggling to do so, because we are in the same friend group and are around each other constantly.
today is day three of no contact with him.. and this morning i found a list of ongoing goals i wrote a few months back. one stuck out to me. "have a fulfilling relationship - don't waste your time on people who won't waste their time on you."
so here i am, trying to not waste my time thinking about him, thinking about the people who are treating me badly or even just not as well as i deserve. i'm not spending any more time trying to prove that i'm cool to anyone, i just want to be a kind, honest person.
