still working.

it’s been two hundred and ninety-four days, since i said the words, “i can’t do this anymore,” and meant them.

a few weeks after that, i had my very first sexual experience with someone who wasn’t him in nearly four years.

two months after that, he moved out.

let’s recap the months that followed the breakup, via sexual partners:

in may.. and june, there was N. also june? M. july had a couple incidents of going back to him, but there was another M in there, as well. august meant that S happened. R was sometime in november, i think? and there he was again in december. there would have been more, if i could have gone through with it, and there would have been a LOT more of N if i gave in more often. 

all that really happened in that amount of time was that i lost respect for most “men” my age, and i also lost a bit of myself. there was a boy that i maybe could have had a real thing with if i hadn’t given into letting him sleep with me on his birthday. also if i hadn’t slept with his best friend. those things probably didn’t help. but do you know what else doesn’t help? the fact that i make it obvious, in a time when you have to play it “cool” and everything is a game. 

i don’t want a game. i want to give my affection to someone. i mean, yeah, i like to have sex. i’m not ashamed of that, and i don’t think i should be. it was severely lacking in my last relationship, and having six sexual partners in a year isn’t something to be upset about, unless you’re going for a record… but i digress: it’s natural for me to want to hook up and have great sex, but at the end of the day, i want a sweet forehead kiss goodnight, cuddles, and a warm and fuzzy feeling in my belly that lets me know i’m safe and happy. 

unfortunately, it’s been much longer than two hundred and ninety-four days since that has happened. 

it’s becoming apparent that i have three options, where i thought i only had two. they are, in order of which they occurred to me:

1) pursue the crush.

2) ignore the crush, pursue the sex.

3) avoid them both

the right answer is number three, but as i’m sitting here writing this, i just received a snapchat from the crush, and BOY is he lookin’ hella cute today.. i also had a long three hour class sitting across from “the sex” today, so number three is a lot harder than it sounds. 

i’m here, on february 2, 2016, saying that what i need to do is ignore these two (and all other) guys, finish school, and move on… we’ll see how i’m feeling in another month or so.