if this is about my dreams...

"don't quit your daydream."

it's sort of a stupid thing that i see all the time, and while i like to think it's idiotic and cliche, i've been listening to that advice a lot lately.

my dreams aren't necessarily "realistic," or "stable," and that's okay. they're my dreams, not for anyone else but myself.

in the short term, all i want to focus on is making the things that need to come out of me. i want to create art that gets me through my struggles and lets my demons out. in that process, i hope to find comfort in the familiar hold of my camera, film and digital, and start to produce work i'm proud of in that medium. in that same vein, i want to apply to penland school of craft and hopefully receive a scholarship.

if i do get into penland, i want to save money, purchase my plane tickets, and get ready for the best two weeks of my life, potentially! whether i get a scholarship or not, now is the time to start saving. my biggest goal right now is to get a new car - a jeep, let's be real - and if i can save the scholarship money i have, i should be getting close to halfway there.

after that, it's to get a camper and start renovating it. i will have to either move somewhere or be okay with staying in emporia for another year or so, and i'm not sure that i am okay with that. i am going to have to weigh the options of staying, saving, and being closer to the dream of living on the road, or move and take longer to accomplish that. right now i'm picturing the year i am 25 being spent on the road, and that gives me just over three years to get myself into that situation.

i also want to have one great experience every year. this year, i'm hoping it will be penland. if not, maybe i'll plan a trip to puerto rico for a week... ya never know.

jordan's dreams are big, and jordan's not afraid of them anymore.

still working.

it’s been two hundred and ninety-four days, since i said the words, “i can’t do this anymore,” and meant them.

a few weeks after that, i had my very first sexual experience with someone who wasn’t him in nearly four years.

two months after that, he moved out.

let’s recap the months that followed the breakup, via sexual partners:

in may.. and june, there was N. also june? M. july had a couple incidents of going back to him, but there was another M in there, as well. august meant that S happened. R was sometime in november, i think? and there he was again in december. there would have been more, if i could have gone through with it, and there would have been a LOT more of N if i gave in more often. 

all that really happened in that amount of time was that i lost respect for most “men” my age, and i also lost a bit of myself. there was a boy that i maybe could have had a real thing with if i hadn’t given into letting him sleep with me on his birthday. also if i hadn’t slept with his best friend. those things probably didn’t help. but do you know what else doesn’t help? the fact that i make it obvious, in a time when you have to play it “cool” and everything is a game. 

i don’t want a game. i want to give my affection to someone. i mean, yeah, i like to have sex. i’m not ashamed of that, and i don’t think i should be. it was severely lacking in my last relationship, and having six sexual partners in a year isn’t something to be upset about, unless you’re going for a record… but i digress: it’s natural for me to want to hook up and have great sex, but at the end of the day, i want a sweet forehead kiss goodnight, cuddles, and a warm and fuzzy feeling in my belly that lets me know i’m safe and happy. 

unfortunately, it’s been much longer than two hundred and ninety-four days since that has happened. 

it’s becoming apparent that i have three options, where i thought i only had two. they are, in order of which they occurred to me:

1) pursue the crush.

2) ignore the crush, pursue the sex.

3) avoid them both

the right answer is number three, but as i’m sitting here writing this, i just received a snapchat from the crush, and BOY is he lookin’ hella cute today.. i also had a long three hour class sitting across from “the sex” today, so number three is a lot harder than it sounds. 

i’m here, on february 2, 2016, saying that what i need to do is ignore these two (and all other) guys, finish school, and move on… we’ll see how i’m feeling in another month or so.